Killing Me Softly
by Bree-Hitachiin
Summary: Kaoru loves Tamaki, or does he? In an event that leaves Hikaru running from his feelings and his brother, will they ever be able to realize their true feelings for each other? My first fic; yaoi, twincest, angst, rape. Please read and review
1. Chapter 1

My first FanFic, so please Read n Review to tell me if I should continue! :D

Pairings: TamaKao, (mostly implied) HikaKao

Sadly, I do not own Ouran. If I did, it would just be one big yaoi xD

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_Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. _

Can you love someone too much? I think I do.

No.

I know I do.

Hikaru's POV

Sighing, I glance over to where my twin brother should be. But the other side of the bed is still devoid of any life.

**Again.**

This is the third night in a row that my brother has stayed at his boyfriend's house. I feel my face flush with anger. I know I shouldn't be angry with this; I mean, he's just my brother, he can do what he wants. Nonetheless, my balled fists start to shake as I think of the two together; think of Tamaki putting his hands all over my brother, my Kaoru. My honest opinion of his boyfriend; I never would have thought of him to be gay. He's...well he's Tamaki. He's supposed to be the best of the best at the Host Club, and he really is good with the ladies. Plus, he just seemed to be so smitten with the Host Club's secret female member, Haruhi, and it I thought for sure they would get together. Guess not. As for Kaoru...well everyone knows that he's homosexual, and he doesn't bother to hide it. No one really minds; especially when I play along in our "Brotherly Love" act for the Host Club. And here's the secret (that I'll never tell to Kaoru) I really enjoy acting like the seme to my little brother, and the way it makes the girls scream and faint. It's kind of a little taboo pleasure of mine I guess...but nothing I would ever act upon, of course. I love my twin, but not that way, if you know what I mean. If you think about it, we've been together since birth. That makes our relationship with each other unique and special. It's comforting knowing that there is someone in this world that understands and knows me better than I myself can ever imagine. There are things about Kaoru that I know that he will never guess; like that way that he seems to curl his fingers almost desperately around mine, when he's uncomfortable with his surroundings; or how he cocks his head slightly to the right (always to the right. I can't explain that one) when he's reading; or...I can list a hundred little things that Kaoru does that make him so different than me.

And I love every one of those things.

That's what has made these nights so torturous, so unbearable. I don't have the reassurance of his hand, or his beautifully deep eyes to tell me what he's feeling, and I hate that he's in a completely different place than me. It really shouldn't bother me. I try to let him do his own thing, I really do. Yet there's still that tiny part of me that screams for his presence on his cold side of the bed. I bow my head and fail to stop a small smile. It's funny how he was the one who was trying to push me away, trying to get me to expand my feelings, and yet here I am. Alone. Left behind while he breaks out of our little world. Now I guess it's just my little world.

I sigh again, then I sense, rather than hear the door open and soft light from the hall make a thin line on the bedroom floor. As Kaoru slips inside, trying to make as little noise as possible, I even my breathing and close my eyes, pretending to be asleep. 'Thank God my back's turned,' I thought. Continuing to "sleep", I hear a shaky voice, almost identical to my own but hardly an octave higher, whisper, "H-Hikaru?" I don't respond. With a sigh Kaoru crosses the room and I watch through slitted lids as he strips down to his orange boxers and pulls on pajama pants of the same colour. I notice that with every movement, he winces in pain and bites his lip as if trying to hold back tears. This concerns me, but I keep up my facade.

When he is finally in his pants, Kaoru walks to the bed and lays down slowly, trying not to cause more pain. At this point it's difficult to continue with my false slumber, but I don't want Kaoru to know I waited up for him again.

He lays with his back to me, and I am almost really asleep when the bed starts to shudder slighty. Thinking it was nothing, I try to ignore it, but stiffen when I hear soft, impossibly quiet sobs. All thoughts of sleep evaporate and are immediately replaced by ones of concern for my twin. "Kaoru?" The sobbing cuts short, but he keeps his back to me. I continue softly, "Kaoru, are you okay?" Slowly, he turns towards me, and I gasp in shock. By the light of the window, I can see faint purple bruises feathering his lips and cheeks. I turn on the lamp; it looks as if they're darkening by the minute. I feel my eyes widen and I choke on my words.

"What...the hell did Tamaki do t-to you? Kaoru... what happened?" I again feel my face turn red with fury. Kaoru starts to sob more, and louder. I reach out to him and he yelps in pain; I lift the blankets to see more bruises and - are those bite marks? - covering his entire body. I shake with rage at Tamaki, and demand to know what happened.

Finally Kaoru's sobs turn to sniffles and hiccups and he tries to speak.

"Me and Tamaki..were were just" -sniff- "fooling around" -hic- "you know...having some f-fun..." -sniff, sniff, hic- "then he...he..." He breaks down yet again, covering his bruise-shadowed face with equally darkened hands. I carefully remove those hands and clasp them gently in mine before asking, "What did he do, Kaoru?" Clenching his eyes shut, Kaoru blushes a deep red. He then says, in a tiny voice, "He promised it wouldn't hurt. He told me not to cry, and to be quiet. I just let it happen...I can't believe I..." His blush deepens, if it was even possible. Confusion takes me for a moment, then realization dawns on me. "You mean he...he took your virginity, Kaoru? He r-raped you?" Eyes still glued shut, he nods slowly as the blush turns a deep crimson colour.

All I see is stars I'm so angry. I squeeze my eyes shut and my grip on Kaoru's hands tightens. He lets out a small whimper and begins to cry again. Then in the softest, quietest voice, almost like the brush of a feather on my face, I hear: "I'm sorry, Hikaru."

The feather hits me like a brick wall. My grip relaxes. "Why are you apologizing? You did nothing wrong, Kaoru." I say tenderly.

"Then why are you mad at me Hikaru?" I mentally smack my forehead. I've forgotten how sensitive my brother can be towards my emotions. "I'm not angry with you, little brother." He blinks lazily, indicating how tired he really is. "We'll talk tomorrow okay? You need rest." With that I pull him as gently as I can into my arms and hesitate before kissing his forehead. He sighs and we fall asleep holding each other.

When I awake the next morning, it's the middle of the afternoon. I'd been awoken by a nightmare where I was running down a long corridor towards an open door. I could see Kaoru tied to a bed in a mysterious room at the end of the hall, but no matter how fast I ran, I couldn't get to him. I awoke when Tamaki stepped in the doorway, smirking, and closed the door.

I look down to see Kaoru still in my arms, his head resting on my shoulder. I can't help but smile at the innocence of his face; but it's ruined by the still fresh, now even more shadowy bruises. I check my phone for the time and sighed when I saw it was 1:26 p.m. I rest my head on top of Kaoru's and run my fingers up and down his inky arm. He shivers at my touch, then sighs my name in his sleep. I freeze and listen for more, but Kaoru only snuggles closer and nuzzles his head onto my chest. My breathing catches; I'm not used to him behaving like this, asleep or not. He shifts again until his arm is draped over my stomach and he pulls me into a kind of hug. Still frozen, I debate waking him up. However, he just looks so comfortable and...cute. Adorable, really. Seriously, very, very cutely adorable.

**Wait.**

What am I thinking? Did I just think of my own brother, no, my own twin as cute? And not even in a brotherly way, but in a lover's perspective. No. NO. It was in a brotherly way. Even if it's only by a few minutes, he's my little brother. Also...no. That was disgusting. I was just attracted to my brother. My. Brother. Euw. What the hell. Oh my God. Oh. My. God. What is wrong with me?

I was so busy arguing with myself that I don't notice a set of golden, almost feline eyes, identical to my own, staring at me until Kaoru quietly coughs to get my attention.

"What?" I ask, startled out of my reverie. He shrugs nonchalantly and rubs his eyes before realizing how he's laying. He blushes and scoots away slowly. I have to laugh at his reaction, and he grins back at me sheepishly. "Sorry. I guess you were just really warm." Without thinking, I reply, "Yeah or maybe you just thought I was Tamaki." Awkwardness fills the room as we stare off in different directions. I look at my mirror image to see his face pointed down, eyes full of tears. I rub the back of my neck and clear my throat. His teary gaze focuses on me and it's now my turn to look down. After several more moments of tense silence, I glance up to see tears running down Kaoru's face, still looking at me. As our eyes lock, he breaks the prolonged stillness.

"Hikaru, what's wrong with me?" My arm drops from my neck and I look at him confusedly. "What do you mean, Kaoru? There's nothing wrong with you. Not a single thing...well except your snoring. That gets annoying." I smile, trying to lighten the somber mood. The sides of his mouth lift for a brief flash before the mask of pain returns. It's unbearable for me to see him like this, so I take his right hand in both of mine. He averts his eyes and whispers, "Don't touch me. I know I must disgust you." At this, I pull him into a hug, saying in his ear, "You're my brother and my best friend. No matter what you do, you will never disgust me, and I will always love you." I feel him tighten his grip on my shoulders, as if trying to hold me close to him forever. "I love you too, Hikaru. Thank you." I close my eyes and we sit like that until Kaoru starts shifting uncomfortably. I release him and tousle his dark orange hair, giggling a bit. "Let's do something today. Something fun." I suggest. Kaoru smiles in agreement, "Let's go for a walk in the old forest. We haven't in a long time." I nod excitedly, then head for the shower.

We walk out into the cool October air and wordlessly guide each other down the path that we both know so well. As we enter the semi-dark forest, I take Kaoru's hand without thinking. I see him look at me with a peculiar expression, not one that I recognize, surprisingly, but he says nothing as we trudge on through into the woods. There are splashes of colour all around us: deep crimson reds, bright jovial yellows, and dark burnt oranges similar to the hair colour Kaoru and I share. The sight is so beautiful that I stop to drink it all in. Kaoru tips his head back, breathing in the crisp autumn breeze, and a smile dances around the edges of his lips. Soon I am no longer enjoying the fall scene, but have found something else to keep my attention. The wind catches Kaoru's hair and tousles it, but he pays no mind, continuing to enjoy the relaxing air around him. His eyes drift closed and he lowers himself to the ground. I follow suit, and we both lay on our backs; simply reveling in the calmness. The events of the night before seem to fade away as we lay there. Before long Kaoru shifts so that his head rests on my chest, and I stroke his messy hair absently. He sighs; I knew the illusion couldn't last too long.

"Do you ever think about it being this way forever, Hikaru?"

"Hm? Autumn?" I reply, confused.

"No." He retorts with a chuckle. "I mean like you and me. Do you ever wish we could be like this forever? Not a care in the world, just you and me, no one else to bother us?" I continue to run my fingers through his orange locks. "We were like this, Kaoru. We never let anyone into our world before, but I thought you decided it shouldn't be like that anymore. You tried to push me out of our little world, remember?" At this he sighs again.

"I know I tried to push you away. I thought that it would be better for you. But when you weren't accepting it, I decided that maybe it was me who really needed to move on, you know? Why should I push you out when I could pull myself away?" He takes a deep breath and picks up a twig, breaking it into smaller pieces. "I realize that maybe the world is just too big for us. Maybe we're meant to stay in our small one." My hand stops at this. What was he suggesting? That we never broaden our horizons? Never do anything outside of ourselves? It's impossible; life doesn't work that way. I sit up and our matching golden orbs lock onto eachother. "Kaoru...you know that can't happen. You know that we can't go on like that forever. It just doesn't work that way. I..." I want to say that I wish it did, that I wanted to stay by his side for the rest of eternity, but I couldn't bring myself to. That could damage him, me making a promise like that. One that could never be kept. I look down at my hands and examine my own slender fingers, identical to those of my brother's. He pulls my chin up with his own hand, so that our faces are only inches apart. I can feel his warm breath on my cheek, and it feels wonderful against my cool skin. My eyes slip closed and I lean forward so my forehead is resting against my double's. I re-open them when I feel Kaoru's other hand reach up and caress my cheek. Without warning he leans forward and kisses me. On the lips. Our lips are touching. I pull away quickly and stand up in shock, staring down at my brother. He looks up at me with identical shock, unable to believe what he'd just done. I couldn't believe what he did! How could he do that? It was wrong! Sick and wrong! We're brothers, no, twins!

He jumps to his feet and shakes his head slowly before turning on his heel and running away. "Wait! Kaoru! KAORU!" I run after him desperately, not wanting him to get lost.

We're getting deeper into the forest, when I all but hit into Kaoru, who's stopped short. A clearing is set before us, and within the clearing is a scene that I really could have done without seeing, but is now burning into my brain: Tamaki sits, splay-legged, propped up on a rock; his shirt bunched up to his armpits. On top of him, riding with quick thrusts, is Haruhi. It's almost as if the air pressure has dropped. I can almost taste the electricity in the air.

Tamaki's eyes widden and he throws Haruhi off when he sees us standing there. Struggling to pull up his pants, he trips and stumbles over to Kaoru.

"Oh my god! Kaoru, no wait please! Let me explain!" Kaoru just stands, eyes welling yet again with tears. Tamaki places a hand on either side of his face. "Kaoru..."

Without thinking, I pull my arm back and punch Tamaki in the side of the face. He staggers backwards and I leap on him, throwing blind punches at his face repeatedly. "How...dare...you!" I yell between punches.

"Hikaru stop! Stop it! HIKARU!" I vaguely hear Haruhi scream at me, but I won't stop. How could he do this to Kaoru? I'm fueled even more when I see blood splattering in the dirt, pooling around my legs where I straddle the defenseless Tamaki.

It takes both Haruhi and Kaoru to pull me off; and Tamaki is barely recognizable. Blood stains his blue t-shirt and his nose is at a crooked, unnatural angle. Most of his face is covered in the thick, sticky red liquid. I struggle against my restrainers, roaring, "You sick son-of-a-bitch! He loves you, Tamaki! How could you do this to him? How could you? How..." my words turn into fierce sobs. I sit on the ground and put my face into my hands, still thoroughly coated in blood.

"Hikaru..." I feel Kaoru's hand on my shoulder. I shrug it off and stand up, looking from a horrified Haruhi to a shocked and teary Kaoru. He reaches towards me but I back away, tripping over my own feet and falling back to the ground. I continue to shuffle backwards as the pair come towards me.

"Hikaru why did you do that? You didn't have to hurt him so much," Kaoru says. Haruhi glares at me before running over to the unconcious traitor on the groud. Kaoru shakes his head before joining her.

What have I done?


	2. Chapter 2

Wow...Tamaki is so OOC for that first chapter o.O Meh. I wanted to show his...darker side. I kinda like the dark side of Tamaki, it's kinda sexy cause he's not so mindless. (I apologize to Tama fans for having Hika beat him like that! It just kinda happened, I was writing with no thought process behind it...)

Don't forget to review please! ^_^

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I can't believe I just did that. I only meant to hit him once to give him the message, and I just beat him within an inch of his life. And Kaoru thought there was something wrong with him. Fuck.

I still sit on the ground, listening to Haruhi calling an ambulance. I'll never be able to show my face at school again. I'll never be able to show my face anywhere, ever again. I jump up and run when I think of this. I have no idea where I'm going, and I don't care. Ignoring Kaoru's shouts to stop, I run blindly into the forest. All I know is that I have to get away...and I don't want to go back. I can't ever go back._ I'm sorry, Kaoru._

_

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_Kaoru's POV

"H-Hikaru?" I whisper as silent as the night, hoping he won't hear me, but still trying nonetheless. I can't help but feel a little let down. I can't believe he's sleeping. He always waits up for me, as much as I don't want him to. I sigh and slink over to the dresser to change into my pajama pants. I try to ignore the pain that shocks me to my core with every move I make; the bruises that Tamaki left on me are really tender still. I foolishly allow my mind to wander backwards from this moment to earlier in the night, and fail to stop the flood of memories that assault my brain. Tamaki's face coming closer to mine; his lies that everything will be ok; soft whispers and moans in my ear; my unheeded protests and pleas for the pain to stop; his cruel, twisted sneer as he rams himself into me; me crying out for my protector, my Hikaru, begging him to help me.

At this point I'm laying in bed, my back to my other half, keeping my sobs to a dull roar so as not to wake him. I continue to cry almost soundlessly, or so I think. "Kaoru?" I halt my silent mourning. "Kaoru, are you okay?" I roll over slowly to face my shocked twin. He asks me what happened, but I can't bring myself to say it out loud, so I begin to cry even harder. What must he think of me? He's going to be so disgusted when he finds out, I know it. I can't help but feel ashamed as he tries to pull me closer and I all but scream in agony. As he takes in my bruise- and bite-covered body, he asks me: "Kaoru, what the_ fuck _happened? What is all this?" I calm down enough to start explaining in short, nearly unintelligible phrases. I stop when I'm about to tell him what Tamaki did and I feel my face heat up with embarrassment. I can't admit to my brother that I was raped by my own boyfriend, and that I allowed it happen. He asks again what Tamaki did and I reply only in riddles. "He promised it wouldn't hurt. He told me not to cry, and to be quiet. I just let it happen...I can't belive I..." It felt like all the blood in my body was now in my face as he said the words that I couldn't. "You mean he...he took your virginity, Kaoru? He r-raped you?" I could only nod faintly in agreement, afraid that if I spoke, I'd only start to bawl even more.

I could feel Hikaru shaking at my words. I knew he would hate me. I knew he'd be angry. I let out a sound as he tightens his grip on my hands; hands that couldn't defend their owner. "I'm sorry, Hikaru." is all I can manage to say. I realize vaguely that I'm still crying, but I'm past caring. He tries to explain that he isn't angry with me but I can only blink in response. My body has shut down as a defense to Hikaru's anger; it's taken far too much beating tonight. I start to drift into a fog and I hazily feel my brother, my protector, my Hikaru, pull me close and mumble words of comfort. Just as I'm on the brink of what feels like a large precipice, I swear I feel his lips just barely graze my forehead, and that's when I fall down...down...down...and I know I'll never resurface.

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Hikaru's POV

Running.

Jogging.

Resting.

Running.

Running.

Running.

Always running.

Even thought we'd ventured into this forest many times as children, I'd been lost within minutes of departure. Now I've lost track of the days, but I can tell it's been some time since I ran from the scene of my gruesome crime. There's a persistant throb in my stomach, meaning that it's been too long since I've eaten anything. I've been drinking when I find a stream and I attempt to find food, but having lived as a rich child and teen I have been spoiled and pampered to the point of uselessness. I don't sleep at night because I'm haunted by nightmares...Kaoru and Tamaki together; Haruhi and Tamaki together; Haruhi, Tamaki, and Kaoru...and in every one of them, Kaoru will look at me and ask with a smirk, "What's the matter Hikaru? Don't you wanna play with me?" The worst are the ones of me and him together...me running for him; him falling off of unimaginable heights, and me not being able to stop it from happening; the kiss...us fucking...those are the ones that make me shudder. I can't understand where they come from, and I can't understand how they make me feel. I want to say that I would enjoy actually doing those things with my brother, but I always cut short; it's disgusting and disturbing to be thinking of my twin that way. How could I want that? It's so wrong, so repulsive to think of; but at the same time, I can't help but think that maybe, just maybe, it would be_ right_. We've been inseparable since birth, and even though I know that with Tamaki in the picture we were drifting apart, I still feel that we were never really that far from each others' thoughts. I guess it's too late to act now, though.

I look up in dismay as dark clouds drift lazily over the grey sky. I have to find shelter, and soon. Glancing around at my surroundings, I realize that I still have no clue where I am. I continue in the direction I've been going in for the last however many days when I come up to a small lake. It's too big to be a pond, but I can't remember there ever being a lake close to my house. I must be farther than I thought. I run up to the lake and stand at the edge of the water. It's the first time I've seen myself for...days? Hours? Weeks? I have no recollection, but I can see it's been too long. My orange hair is now a dull brown from the dirt, and my face is marked with scratches and smeared with dry blood. I realize that most of that blood isn't mine.

Sighing, I bend down to wash my face and hair. Seeing the state of my tattered clothing, I decide it would be better to just wash my entire self. I strip down to nothing, and shiver in the cold air. Without a second thought, I plunge into the icy water of the lake and quickly rub the dirt off my face and out of my hair. I'm about to get out when I remember that I have nothing to dry off with but my filthy garments. Shit. Now what? I'm trying to figure it out when my body seizes up from the cold. I hadn't noticed how numb my limbs were till now, and now that I have, I wish I'd gotten out sooner. Suddenly treading water is a chore and my arms are getting more and more sluggish. My legs can't kick anymore. My head keeps going under the water and my lungs feel like they're burning despite the frigid air. Panic envelops me as I struggle to break free from the water's crushing embrace, but nothing seems to help and my head is staying under the surface longer and longer each time. I know that this is the end, and you know...it doesn't feel too bad. Allowing the lake to fully swallow me, I close my eyes and in my mind, I bring forth the picture of the only person I would want to see before I died. Orange hair, perfectly parted to the left, huge, golden eyes sparkling with some secret joke, soft, pink lips slightly open in a silent laugh, a reddish glow on high cheek bones. A beautiful person, identical to myself yet so completely different, the person in this world that matters more to me than I do to myself: my sweet, innocent Kaoru. I try to hold that image for as long as I can, but the edges start to blur as I breathe in only liquid. I don't want to lose him, I can't lose him. As long as he's safe, everything's ok. Darkness creeps over me as a lose consciousness. Please, please stay safe. Please. I love you, Kaoru. This is my last thought as the blackness takes over, and then there is nothing more.

I open my eyes and blink in the sudden light. I'm in the forest still, but I'm lying on my back, beside the lake. My clothes are clean and have been put back on. I run a hand through my hair and realize it's soft and clean. What the hell's going on? I remember the lake, and the darkness beneath it. I can remember drowning and seeing Kaoru's face in my mind one last time, but I can't remember being rescued. I look up to see a figure standing at the edge of the trees, dressed all in black. It almost looks like it's becoming me to go to it. Confused, I stand up and creep up to the person cautiously. It's Kyouya-senpai.

"Kyouya-senpai! What's going on? Did you pull me out of the water?" Kyouya just looks up, his dark purple eyes boring into my golden ones. Instead of a response, he shifts his gaze over to where I was just laying. I follow his stare and see that I'm still laying in that spot, and it appears that I'm sleeping. Then I understand.

**I'm dead.**

The realization of it is like hitting a truck head on. My legs give out and I sit on the hard ground, unable to fully comprehend the situation that has been carelessly thrown at me. I feel Kyouya's hand on my shoulder and I'm overwhelmed with a sense of despair. I look up at him desperately and he offers his hand. I take it and am shocked when the setting changes right before my very eyes. We're now standing in mine and Kaoru's shared bedroom. It's dark; I can only see the dark outline of the bed, and of the person laying in it. I glance at where I estimate Kyouya to be, and I barely make out him raising his arm, then the room is immersed in a soft glow of light from an unknown source. Kyouya nods towards the bed, and I look oven to see Kaoru huddled under the blanket staring at me with unblinking eyes. At first I think we've actually appeared before him, but as I move closer his eyes still stay in the same spot; staring at a reality completely different from this one. I then realize that me and Kyouya are only figments, not real. I watch as Kaoru's golden eyes fill to the brim with tears, and I can't stop the flood that follows as the dam breaks. I reach out to my baby brother only to be held back by the Shadow Lord. I shoot him a look that could freeze blood, but he only shakes his head. My body sags in defeat as I become aware of the unspoken command: look but don't touch. Acknowledging this with a small nod, I sit in front of my double and watch as he slowly drifts off to sleep. I've always loved seeing Kaoru when he's sleeping; all the lines and creases of worry that the day has brought are erased, and all that's left is a blank slate ready for the next day to paint its stresses onto. I notice a stray hair on his forehead and I reach up to brush it away, only to be restrained yet again. I feel my muscles give out; I put my face into my hands, imagining the future without Kaoru. I know that I'll never be able to hear his laughter, ringing through the halls of the empty house as we play our usual pranks. I'll never be able to tell him that it will all work out, even if I know it's impossible. I'll never wipe away his tears. Never caress his sweet face again. Never hold him and feel his reassuring warmth. Have him snuggle closer to me when he has a bad dream. Touch him. Kiss him.

Tears begin to flow shamelessly down my cheeks, as I'm realizing how much I really do love my brother. I look angrily at Kyouya, and I'm angered more at the careless expression on his face. I run over to him and begin to hit him. Punching, kicking, slapping...using him as a human punching bag. Finally my punches turn into light touches, and then to grabbing as I cling to his shirt and begin to sob. Kyouya sits on the floor and I crawl into his cold lap; he holds me like a baby. And I cry. Cry for Tamaki's unforgivable act...for my own stupidity...for my Kaoru.

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So there's chapter 2! Kinda angsty and depressing, but those are the breaks I guess...

Please please review, and keep in mind that this is my first Fic so it's not gonna be the best. I do try though. Honest.


	3. Chapter 3

So here's chapter 3 :D

Lots of explaining in this chapter, things falling into place and such.

Once again...I don't own Ouran. Haruhi wouldn't even exist in my version xD

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Time passes. I don't know how many days. Each morning I get up when the sun rises, and I follow Kaoru around his daily business. I can't stand to leave his side for even a minute. I follow him to school and watch as he struggles to maintain conversation with those around him. I notice that my desk hasn't been filled, and Haruhi has moved to the opposite side of the room. She wears a girl's uniform now, obviously having confessed to her not actually being a boy. I don't know how this has affected the Host Club, since Kaoru has dropped out of it and now goes straight home after school. When he gets home, he does his homework and then he weeps. This is the hardest part of the day, and every day is the same idea: time is passing but nothing is healing and the wounds I've left aren't close to closing up and fading away. I want them to. I can't bear to see Kaoru like this for much longer, he needs to learn to let me go. Some days, only a few tears trickle down his smooth cheeks; other days he throws fits, tossing items, especially pictures, around the room. All the pictures are of him and me in different stages of our lives together, everything from the first day of school to us just goofing around in the Host Club. Yes, these are the worst days. He yells and screams, completely losing control of himself. The only thing that calms him down, of all the stupid things, is my pillow that still sits on our bed. His bed. He stops short when he sees that pillow and I watch as he gingerly picks it up and holds it to his face. Then he lays down with it and soon after will fall asleep. I really thought I understood him, but apparently not. Everyone knows that it's always me that loses my temper and throws fits of anger. I'm the immature one, the careless one. He's the one who cared so much about me that he wanted me to be happy outside of our world, even when I couldn't see my own true feelings.

I sigh heavily and walk over to the bed, sitting on its edge. Kyouya, who's been ever present and still stone silent, walks over to me, notebook in hand. I roll my eyes at the object. _If this is some after-death test, I wish it had been anyone but him and his stupid book tagging around with me._ Suddenly my thoughts take a different turn._ I haven't even asked him anything. Not a single question about what's going to happen. _I'd been so caught up with Kaoru's troubles that I wasn't even thinking of my own. I turn to the Shadow Lord, questions on the tip of my tongue. Before I can ask them, he gives a slight shake of his head. I guess this isn't the time or something. I want to ask my questions, but I figure it's wise to just let the Shadow do his work. I continue to watch Kaoru sleep, wanting so bad to be able to hold him and tell him that I'm here. After a few minutes of this, my vision begins to blur. At first I think I'm crying again, but I soon realize that the entire scene is changing in front of me. The walls are replaced by trees, the floor by dirt and scattered leaves. The last thing to disappear is the bed, and Kaoru with it. I reach out, trying to hold on to the image and keep it from dissolving into nothing. As assumed, my actions are futile, and my body slumps to the ground. Kyouya finally breaks the spell-binding silence with his first and only words on our 'journey': "If you could go back, what would you do differently?" The question takes me by surprise. I haven't thought about what I would do. Only that I wanted to hold Kaoru. I stumble over my next words. "Uh well, I guess I'd uhm...I'd try to be more...open. Towards Kaoru. And uh...well...I'd love him more." I blush at my own words (and it's hard to make me blush, really it is.) Telling these things to Kyouya, of all people, is a little embarrassing. I'm not used to sharing my feelings with anyone, not even Kaoru.

Kyouya nods and turns away, starting back into the forest. "Wait! Kyouya! Where are you going? What am I supposed to do? Where do I go? Kyouya!" I try to chase after him only to discover that my legs are heavier than led. Defeated, I lay back on the cold earth below me and wait for whatever fate has in store for me. At this point, I don't even care anymore. The Fates have taken everything that's important to me away, and now they have me right where they want me. Defeated. Useless. Dead. I close my eyes and give into the encroaching darkness, willing it to take my soul wherever it may please.

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Kaoru's POV

_Hikaru...Please come back to me. Please? I can't take much more of this. I need you back by my side._

I hate hospitals. They smell like chemicals and sickness, burning my nostrils. Everywhere you look there's either someone who's sick or injured. Or their 's the worst. Seeing families of the people who won't ever leave this despicable place for the rest of their lives. Even more painful is seeing the families of people who are showing improvement every day. They are always so cheerful and happy and sweet. It makes me sick. How can they act like that when my brother is like this? They wouldn't be so glad if **they** had to sit in this god-forsaken place every day by the bed of the person they love, wondering if he's ever going to wake up.

When the doctor told me that Hikaru was in a coma and may never wake up, I felt my entire life fall apart faster than a house of cards. How could it be possible? Why did this have to happen to him? I slump in my seat in the small cafe I'm in and grip my coffee more tightly. The cup is still full; I can't seem to eat or drink anything since we found him. I can't help but wonder if it was better if we hadn't found him, if he had drowned. Would it have been easier than having to wait and have him **possibly** wake up? Can I bear it if he doesn't? Hope right now is simply a small spark in my chest, unable to start a blaze.

I sigh and swirl my coffee around and around. The waitress comes over and asks if I want any more. She's kinda cute, but her hair is the colour of the orange leaves outside and I feel my chest tighten. Silently, I shake my head and pass her some money. I know it's way too much, but I grab my jacket and leave before she can give me the change. I stroll along the sidewalk with a downward gaze, my destination unknown. I wander around the streets of the city, not really paying any attention to where I am or what I'm doing. I'm trying to keep my thoughts away from the hospital and Hikaru, and putting all of my concentration into placing one foot in front of the other. Time passes too quickly, and sooner than I expected darkness has fallen. Sighing I decide to head back to the hospital to spend another sleepless night at my brother's bedside.

Hikaru's face is still peaceful as I grab a chair and sit down, placing my hands on the bed next to my twin. "How are you tonight, Hikaru? Still the same as yesterday I see." I attempt to laugh and ease my own tension, however it falls short when I realize he can't answer. I sigh again and take my brother's hand in mine, resting my forehead on our inter-twined fingers. The doctor keeps telling me to talk to him and that it sometimes helps, but I can't think of what to say. All I can say is how much I miss him, how much I want him back. It's hard to tell your other half how meaningless the world is without them, how every day feels like a thousand years when they're gone. Even though I know he can't hear me, I tell him these things as if he could.

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Woo! One chapter left! Please don't forget to review ^_^

PS the next chapter is the last, but if you want me to do a sequel, be sure to review and let me know! (I won't write one if people don't want it )


	4. Chapter 4

Here it is! The final chapter! I hope you enjoyed this story, it's my first and I'm actually quite proud of it...I love the ending to be honest.

Just a reminder that no, I do not own Ouran. I do however own this fic so please don't copy!

Enjoy ^_^

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After almost an hour, I give up talking and simply lay my head on the bed next to Hikaru's still form. Besides the occasional rise and fall of his chest, he almost appears to be dead. I don't know what I would do if he never woke up. Would I ever learn to accept it? Could I live with myself with the burden of my brother's death resting on my shoulders? I can't help but blame myself for this whole thing; if I hadn't kissed him then we probably never would have found...Tamaki. I can hardly bring myself to even think of that name, the wounds still achingly fresh. I haven't seen...said blonde since the paramedics took him away on a stretcher, face broken and bloody. Just the thought of it makes me shudder. I don't blame Hikaru for what he did, he was only trying to protect me...but still...I think he might have gone a little far. Just talking to him would have been sufficient, but I am talking about Hikaru here; he can't control his emotions to save his life. I love my brother to pieces; he just needs to learn to control his anger every now and then is all.

I sigh and glance at the clock above the door. Visiting hours will be over in 20 minutes, but I know the nurses will just ignore me like usual. Ever since those first nights where I punched a male nurse when he tried to get me to leave, they've just let me be and haven't disturbed me. I watch the people walk by in the halls until someone steps into the doorway. I lift my head in curiosity to find Tamaki before me, staring at his feet which are shuffling with discomfort.

"What do you want?" I put as much ice into my words as I can. I chuckle inwardly at how much I sound like Hikaru when I speak like that.

Still looking down, he responds weakly, "I just wanna talk." He looks up at Hikaru before adding, "Is that ok? You think he'll mind?" Sometimes Tamaki's stupidity astounds me, it really does. "He's in a coma, he can't hear us. Just say what you want then get out." I feel bad for being so rude, but he's interrupting my time with my brother. He nods and looks back at his feet, unsure of what to say. I get up and pull up another chair in front of my own, indicating for him to sit down. Our knees are almost touching, so I put my feet up on my chair and rest my chin on my knees. Slowly he looks up at me with his pitifully large violet eyes which I can see are full of tears. "I-I'm sorry, Kaoru. I'm sorry for everything I just...I wasn't myself that night." I shiver at the memory and hug my knees closer to myself for protection. "I should never have done anything you didn't want and I should have asked if that was what you wanted. I'm truly very sorry. And as for me and Haruhi..." My eyes snap up and I glare at him intensely. "I don't want an explanation for that. I couldn't care less why you were...doing what you were." The tears in his eyes spill down his face and his cheeks turn a light pink colour. "You broke my heart, Tamaki. No. You crushed it into pieces and spit on it. I don't care about your petty reasons or excuses. I just want you to know that a part of me died that day, and it was all. Your. Fault." I can't meet his stare as I say all this. My fury is enough to make my hands shake, and they ball into fists. "Now get out before I do something I'll really, really regret." He reaches forward and touches my cheek, and I tear my face away in disgust. "Don't touch me you filthy piece of shit. Didn't you hear me? Get out. Now." The look in his eyes tells me that those words hurt him more than my brother's fists ever could have. He turns and walks away slowly and as he reaches the doorway he stops and looks back at me. Our gazes meet, his full of pain, mine of hatred. "I never stopped loving you, Kaoru. I just want you to know that." And with that he walks out of the room, and my life, forever.

I lay my head back down on my brother's bed as my own words sink in. Did I really just say all that? What kind of person am I to say such terrible things? I almost want to call him back and take it all away; to kiss him and make it all better...but I know that I can't. What's done is done and I can never change that, no matter what I say or do. I look at my brother's beautiful face and I can't fight the smile that makes its way onto my lips. Just seeing him can make me happy, even in the state he's in now. Reaching up, I brush his hair back so that I can see more of the face I've grown to love. Although they're identical to my own, Hikaru's features seem to be lovelier than mine could ever be. His cheekbones are more defined and hold less of a natural blush; his eyes have flecks of green in them that aren't present in mine; and his lips, oh his lips. Perfectly balanced, so that the top isn't more or less full than the bottom, and so pink. Yes, his lips are the most luscious I've ever seen...so plump that I just want to...

Before I can stop myself, I bend down and kiss those sumptuous lips. I try to be gentle yet passionate as I vainly attempt to get a reaction out of that perfect mouth. When I get none, I sit back in my chair as tears trickle down my now flushed cheeks. I want so desperately for my brother to wake up and see that I'm here, that I haven't left him and that I never will. Since I can't have that, I settle with taking his hand in mine. "Hikaru...I love you so much. Please come back to me. I-I don't know how much longer I can go w-without you, Hikaru. I need you. Please. Please..." I rest my head on the bed and as I begin to drift to sleep, I swear that I can feel my hand being lightly squeezed. I can't tell if it's my imagination or not, but I also believe that I can hear my name being called softly. I lift my head.

"Hikaru?"

END

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There you have it! Hope you liked it, please please review and let me know what you thought. If I get enough reviews, I'll consider writing a sequel ;]


	5. AN

Author's Note:

Just wanna let people know that I am working on a sequel right now~! It's still in the beginning but the first chapter should be up soon! Please make sure to review this story..the more reviews I get the faster I work on the sequel ;]

Plus, a thank you to the people who have reviewed so far, you guys are amazingly nice I love ya's!

-UPDATE- CHAPTER 1 OF THE SEQUEL IS POSTED! The title of said sequel iiiiis -drum roll- "Life After Death". Be sure to look for it :D


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